


15x03 Where's your head at?

by lovemuppet



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15x03, Angst, Episode Related, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:48:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26187463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovemuppet/pseuds/lovemuppet
Summary: Dean fits the glass plug back into the whiskey decanter. The clink of the decanter and the slide of the whiskey glass, a dot and dash. A morse code signal of warning to the rooms only other occupant.  In the antique light of the bunker Cas can see the outline of Dean’s eye sockets  and how his shapely eyes lie back in them sunken in exhaustion and grief. He can tell by the shape of His brow and the set of his jaw that it Dean was drowning.Cas tells himself it’s a bad idea, but he ventures anyway.“How’s Sam?”
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Castiel
Comments: 10
Kudos: 42





	15x03 Where's your head at?

**Author's Note:**

> take a scene and make it sadder. 15x03: the rapture

Dean fits the glass plug back into the whiskey decanter. The clink of the decanter and the slide of the whiskey glass, a dot and dash. A morse code signal of warning to the rooms only other occupant. In the antique light of the bunker, Cas can see the outline of Dean’s eye sockets and how his shapely eyes lie sunken in exhaustion and grief. He can tell by the shape of His brow and the set of his jaw that it Dean was drowning.

Cas tells himself it’s a bad idea, but he ventures anyway,“How’s Sam?” 

Dean looks his way but says nothing. Can say nothing. Every unanswered cry for help, old argument between him and those he loved, every horrible thing that Dean had ever thought about himself, jumbled together in layers and layers of inky, black type. Things said and unsaid created a deep, consuming darkness within him. 

The hair on the back of Castiel’s neck stands up as Dean moves in a slow, deliberate arc towards the table, towards him. 

Dean dips his head with a gentle shake and says in a voice rough and thick, “Not Great.” He walks to the table with stilted steps, letting each bone slam against themselves. Ice clinks quietly against the glass.

Castiel knows Dean is only grounded in the moment by the tips of a few fingers on the table next to him. “Sorry about Rowena.” It sounds like a lie, even to him. He expects Dean to yell. It’s what he did. Dean’s heart was a pressure cooker with a faulty vent. 

But he doesn’t yell. 

“You're sorry?” Dean shakes his head. The words crowd his vision like an angry swarm of crows. As he leans himself against the table he shakes his head rumbles off “Why didn't you just stick to the damn plan?” 

Both men are breathing in sharp starts, Cas can feel his own labored exhale as it slips from his nose in a rush. He can see Dean’s chest rising and falling in painful little bursts. Each puff of air in the space between them a whisper from deep in the Empty.  _ I know who you love...who you love...who you…. _

“Belphegor was lying.”

“ _ Belphegor _ 's a demon.” That was expected. That was what they did. Demon duplicity was refreshingly typical. Dean hadn’t been afraid of demons for years. Hadn’t been afraid of monsters far longer. All of his fears had now grown passed the things that go bump in the night. 

And so he bit his tongue when Castiel charged him.“He was using us.”  _ That wasn’t it Cas _ .  _ He was using Jack. _ “He wanted to eat every last soul to take over Hell, Earth, and every…”  _ He was using Jack. It was hurting Cas. _

“Yeah, and we would've figured it out” Dean shouts. Belphagor is gone. “... after.” And now Jack's body was gone. Jack was gone. “With Rowena.” That was three people gone today. Gone because Dean made the wrong call. He put too much on Castiel. It was too much. They weren’t enough.  _ He _ wasn’t enough. 

Castiel can hear the murmurs of self loathing in the reverb of Dean’s shouts. He tried cutting through them. “The plan  _ changed _ , Dean.” Of course it did, nothing was ever easy.  _ You came off the line with a crack in your chassis. _ He raises his voice against the thought. “Something went  _ wrong _ . You know this. Something always goes wrong.” 

John Winchester springs from the hole he carved inside of Dean.  _ It’s _ your  _ fault. You should have been watching him _ . ”Yeah, why does that something always seem to be _ you _ ?” 

_ You don’t even die right do you?  _ Castiel goes stock still. The past is floating there between them like static on an old television. That fuzzy spot between two radio stations.  _ I know what you fear...what you fear... what you _

They say nothing. Dean is the first to look away. He puts his head down in shame.

_ You mean too much to me. You made a stupid deal and i broke it. I broke it. You’re my family. I love you. I love you. I love you.I- _

Castiel looks away too. “You used to trust me,”  _ How long has it been _ “give me the benefit of the doubt.” Castiel chuckles humorlessly.  _ How many  _ years _ has it been _ “Now you can barely look at me.” 

_ you. I- _

Dean looks up pointedly and nonplussed. He was looking now alright. His face was set and stoney.  _ There’s nothing for you back there. _

“My powers are failing, and”  _ I know what you fear.  _

Dean looks away, his mouth moving slightly. _ my fault. _

“-- and I've tried to talk to you,” 

_ Talking isn’t one of my strong suits, Cas. _

“over and over,” 

_ i know i- _

“and you just don't want to hear it. You don't care. I'm…”  _ crack in your chassis...Die right. _ ”dead to you.” 

_ No. No, you know that’s not true. I care. I- _ “You still blame me for Mary.” Dean hadn’t been thinking about Mary. But the relief of non sequitur was almost heady. Those feelings Dean could manage in this moment. That was something he could communicate to Cas. Maybe it was the only thing. He gave a little nod. 

_ There’s nothing left for you back here.  _ Castiel nodded too. ”Well, I don't think there's anything left to say.” Dean looked to him as he turned to leave. 

Dean gripped the table. “Where you goin’?” He knew where Cas was going. And he knew why. 

Cas stopped. Dean bore holes into his back. “Jack's dead. Chuck's gone. You and Sam have each other.” 

_ I need you, Cas. _

“I think it's time for me to move on.” Dean knew that he would. He had always known it. He forced himself to watch as Castiel ascended the stairs and closed the door behind him.


End file.
